runawaygrrl

 surface quietly i touch the marks on my skin gently reminding myself of him my eyelids float down into a dream where i am warm safe happy movies play in bursts of staccato color flashes of what he does to me i hug myself small and smile at nothing living in two realities at once no one else sees what i see behind them and i can't see anyone but him

 me because you don't know what it's like to be me carrying a baby inside carefully catching other people's stares you don't know how i feel shamefully proud of my baby standing apart from my friends not who i was anymore no you don't know the times i cried alone in my room and the things i wish i could do now it's so hard to give up and remember you don't know what i'm really thinking behind my pretty smile i am someone you don't know

 scared... i am so terrified so scared so petrified curled up around my growing tummy holding this baby boy baby girl close to my heart am i too young am i doing the right thing will i be a good mommy a good parent i am so afraid and sometimes yes i do cry alone in the dark late at night still protecting my growing child this is my new secret the one i keep to myself i love my baby and all i want is the perfect life for my little boy little girl and what if what if i can't really do this?

 emo poet already falling behind falling into i don't care mania creeping back uninvited uncontrollable crying screaming walking out leave me alone no wait come back make it better lost in a sea of non-identity who am i almost wishing to spiral into nonsense again scared and lost and literally alone don't you fucking get it you fucking hypocrites i am not superwoman

 waterfall II here are you thirsty? is your throat dry and tight like mine? (did it hurt you like it hurt me to see the proof the evidence that i am no longer the one for you?) i have water salty, warm water falling from my tightly closed eyes (i have never felt like this before in my whole life i didn't know how much you hurt) shut tight against this pain if you could see my tears hear my sobbing... (would you not leave me alone in the dark with my broken heart but find a way to make me calm...) drink from these a waterfall of pain bursting from my body (yes shhh be strong for your baby your words race through my head

 waterfall here are you thirsty? i have water salty, warm water falling from my tightly closed eyes drink from there a waterfall of pain maybe it will heal someone

 fix it you asked me months ago what i wanted from you i thought slowly going over you in my mind thinking of what you remind me of dreaming about what-ifs and maybes oh you made me think of heartbreak of the past of years i didn't understand and i said i wanted you to change it i wanted you to change my ending you said you would fix it make it better that's not enough now i am dreaming of you playing god and changing my whole life from the start from the place it began three seven years ago when you weren't there i don't blame you you are not really god after all but i dream that you were and you were different but not yo